A new lease of life.

It's been awhile since i blogged.
I figured out that since not many ppl read my blog.
what for update huh??? lol
But i realised that i shld cos i wanna remember what has happened to me in the past few months.
and i wanna remember stuff.
cos i have super super short term memory! =p

A great, heavy burden was taken off my shoulders a month back.
and i thank God that despite all the struggles,
all the frustrations, all the tears and pain,
He has made everything good in His own time.
I still remember the night i heard the bad news.
and the night i couldnt sleep.
plus the great struggle of tug and war i had with God.
going down on my knees,
i begged Him to help me decide and bring me through the uncertain future.
and He did.
His goodness never failed, His grace always abounds.

Now that things have started a new,
that im in a new place of vocation...
i feel as if things have finally moved on.
there's some progression.
some movement, some sense of... accomplishment.

the current hospital im working in in good.
stressful, challenging and good.
because of the nature of my work,
everything's confidential...
im not sure if i can blog.
well i can talk, cos i know that the info will only be to the ears of a few.
however.... this is a free website space!
lol... all i can say is that every life is precious in God's eyes.
every time i see the carelessness which wraps the life of a being.
i weep in my heart.
struggle with values.
and ask God to give me strength.

Regrets.

i regret not saying goodbye with you looking into my eyes.
i regret not taking the time hug you, kiss you and say that i'll miss you.
i regret.

I'm sorry. I was really caught up.
but these will always be excuses to you.
i miss you terribly, though i dont show it.

Sidestep.

I met up with my JC frens today!
with the exeption of my dearest fren dnis,
we had a good time.
managed to get some preesies for them.
earrings which i nv dared to wear myself.
i really love to spend time with my jc frens.
we're so carefree, so open and honest.
no pretences and no need to be right all the time.

but in the midst of all that.
a still small voice that says.
Black or White.
I think its time you decide...

i struggle so much with this one issue that i feel sick everytime i think of it.
i love you so much.
but im stuck n in a dilemma. God help me please.

MY EYES ARE CLOSED.

with my eyes closed.
i take a step back.
and i say.
goodbye.

working at a hospital with old people just numbs ur emotions.
i can still remember the last time i went to an old folk's home @ St Andrew's home for the aged.
after speaking to exactly 1 old lady, i couldnt take the pain.
i just walked out of the home and cried like a baby.
i think that was one of my saddest days in my life.
i couldnt take seeing old ppl suffer..especially when they hold on to a hope.
a hope that one day their family members would come take them home.
but in reality, that's just a lie the home volunteers tell them so that they can live each day at a time with a tiny weeny bit of hope, with some weird morbid sense of dignity.
now before i meet any patient,
i just shut my heart up and numb it.
making sure i dont give into my emotions when i see them.
so my judgements and decisions made are not done out of my weakness.
but done because of my assessments and considerations.
sometimes they look so sad that i just close my eyes and walk away.

i still remmeber how u looked.
but i know that u're with Jesus now.
a short time we met.
and i'm sorry i couldnt help u in any other way.
i pray u're at a better place.
paved with golden streets.
and voices of angels.
praved with golden streets.
and voices of angels.

An E-letter to my Little Ballerina Princess.

Dear Little Princess Ballerina,

ever since you left me, you managed to leave a big hole in my heart.
and it's desperately trying to mend itself by finding other ballerinas to fill up that gap.
but it just doesnt work that way. I miss the time we spent together and all the many many hours spent talking to each other. I know that there are many times when I used to bully u, but u never left me and you were always there for me. Then a big wave came and swept you away. Now whenever i see you, there seems to be a gaping hole. not because we became different but simply because we are no more in the same place.
you are more important to me than you think. but now its just different... do you feel it too? sometimes it aches just to think of you and i feel quite alone in my world now. no more ballerina to dance for me and help me through my dark moments. i hope that u are doing well at where you are. keep dancing for the Master who created you and know that you are always in my thots. although we are no longer in the same place i will continue to keep you in my prayers. love you my dearest ballerina princess...

Love,
me.

Natural Selection.

you know when you meet a fren.
you click immediately.
you share secrets, fears, hopes, joys.
you trust, you hate, you love, you respect.
you go through life together,
you cry together, you laugh together.
you know each other more than anyone else.
then all of a sudden.
one leaves.
and you're alone again.
searching for a soul that meets.
but u find no one.

you are alone.

and it makes things even worse..
when u meet a person who you can't click with.
and it's your fault just cos.
it's your fault, just cos.

Pain.

if i ever lose my memory and i forget you,
please help me to remember who you are....

i knocked my forehead yesterday after work.
i was rushing out of SLH so that i can meet huiling n aunty janet
for dinner and i was trying to rush when i bent down to throw
a wet tissue paper into the dustbin.
Lo and behold, when i did that, i didnt see the hand dryer...
and... Wham! i knocked my forehead into the dumb machine.
the pain was instantanous and i teared immediately.
even till now, it hurts when i touch it.
i told me colleagues,
if i ever lose my memory,
pls sue the company tt built tt dumb big machine.
lol.

Monkey Crap

ok im so pissed.
dunno wat im pissed about.
i think i regret agreeing to do 2 jobs at one go.
really eating me up.
eating up my time, energy and money.
cos i have to keep taking cab so tt i wont be late
and have sufficient time to do work.
then i'll be a monster to the ppl arnd me.
...
after getting used to my current ward, 22
my sup came up to me and asked me if i can take 32 instead.
this implies tt i have to relearn all the cases and go the THAT MDM next week.
fine.....
sigh.

i dont like it when ppl hint things at me.
if u wanna tell me something, tell me straight at my face.
dont hint.
or give eg. of other ppl.
pisses me off dearly.
....
fine.... im not exactly very loving right now.

What we Blog determines who we are.

yes indeed.
if a person blogs all about Music, his life is music.
if a person blogs all about dance, her life is dance.
if a person blogs about animals, his life is about animals.
if a person blogs CRAP, his life is full of crap.

I like to blog about my life and complain.
so im a complain queen.
complain complain complain.

my stupid washing machine broke down.
not to mention that my sister was the one who killed it.
twice.
and so the search is on for the repair man.
and pls teach me how to do so,
if my mother doesnt even remember where she bought it from??
had to hand wash a pile of clothes just now after a long day of work and tuition.
such. backbreaking, hand itching, water wasting work.
vaguely remebering how my granny used to wash clothes with water and detergent
in a bucket.
in 2/3 buckets at a go.
but hey, my house only has 1 bucket.
so my sink and my toilet floor are bucket no 2 n 3.
itchy hands and clothes that drip dry are not a great combination.

...
complain queen i am.